Tag: #funny

My Aching Back

My Aching Back

“Really? A ‘bitch and moan’ post?”

“Well, yeah, I guess one could call it that.”

“Tell me, Roscoe, do you think your followers really care that you have an ‘aching back’?”

“Are you playing my ‘alter ego’, Sidney?”

“Yeah, I am. Think about it, Roscoe, the few people – maybe – you’ve never met are going to read about a guy crying about his aches and pains. You will put them off, man! People want to read an interesting ‘flash fiction’ piece, short story, something that will be positive and uplifting, not about a hypochondriac who moans and groans about his ailments. People want entertainment, a murder mystery and/or suspenseful romance. Give them what they want, and you build your ’brand’.”

“Well, ‘alter ego’, you’ve given me ‘food for thought’ – don’t you just love ‘clichés’, Sidney?”

“No, I don’t. Clichés are dull and tiresome. At the end of the day, you should avoid them at all costs.”

“You just used a cliché, Roscoe.”

“How do you figure?”

“You said, ‘at all costs’ – that, my friend, is a cliché. In fact, you’ve used other clichés in these few moments we’ve talked. Earlier, you said, ‘moans and groans’. You said, ‘give them what they want’. Those are clichés, buddy-boy. Oh, and, you said, ‘at the end of the day’, another cliché.”

“Yeah, but it’s just the two of us talking here. There’s a difference, ‘buddy-boy’.”

“Did your Mama have any that lived, Sidney?”

“Oh, that’s vicious, and, not too original, Roscoe.”

“You said you were just ‘stopping by for a second’. Really, Sidney, don’t you have other places to go? I would like to finish my post.”

“Are you leaving those clichés in the post, Roscoe?”

“Yep, sure am. Oh, one last cliché, Sidney, ‘don’t let the door hit you in the ass’ on the way out.”

“That’s uncalled for, Roscoe.”

“You asked for it, Sidney.”

“Stay out of the ‘Cliché Pantry’, Roscoe.”

“Leave, Sidney, and take your clichés to the grave.”

“Sticks and stones…”

“Hasta La Vista, Baby.”

“Up yours, Red Raider.”

“Don’t let the door hit you in the ass, Sidney.”

“You already said that.”

“Happy days.” Door closes.

“That settles that.”

Billy Ray Chitwood – August 27, 2019

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Man in a Tree

Man in a Tree

“Stop the car, Lewis!”

“Geez, Alan, not so damned loud. What? What’s wrong?”

“The man in a tree. Didn’t you see him? He’s pretty high up, and there’s no way I can see that he can get down.”

“Well, I am driving and my eyes are on the road, Alan.”

“Yeah, I know, Lewis. Sorry, didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. Just wait, the guy could be in trouble. Please, back up and park at the curb. I’ll be right back.”

“But, Alan, we’ll be late for our tee-time… Don’t slam the door! ‘Okay, slam the damned door! Geez, like talking to air, that guy! Back up and park at the curb’. Sure, Alan, anything you say, Alan. You’re the boss, Alan’.”

“Hey, Mister, you alright up there? Do you need some help? How did you get up there? Man, you’re maybe fifteen feet from the ground. There’s no ladder down here. There’s nothing down here … HEY, can’t you hear me? I’m screaming down here.”

“I can hear you fine, young man. What’s your name?”

“My name’s Alan. Can you tell me where you keep the ladder? I’ll get it, and you can come down from up there.”

“No, I’m fine up here, Alan. It’s kind of you to stop and be concerned. People are not so concerned these days. You’re a kind man.”

“What’s your name, may I ask?”

“Sure. My name’s Albert.”

“How did you get up there, Albert?”

“I used my ladder.”

“Well, where did your ladder go, Albert?”

“Ellen took the ladder, Alan.”

“Well, my good Lord, why did she take the ladder away, Albert?”

“Oh, she got mad at me because I wanted to go fishing. We argued a spell, and she told me to go ‘climb a tree’ and that’s what I did. I got the ladder to reach the first limb, then used the other limbs to get higher. It’s actually pretty nice up here.”

“Well, hell, Albert, you can’t stay up there. You’re not a young man. You could get dizzy and fall. I’ll go to your door and get Ellen to show me where the ladder is.”

“No, no, don’t do that, son. She’s a might set in her ways, and I don’t want to cause you no trouble. You seem like a nice young man. Why’d you stop, anyhow?”

“I saw you in the tree, Alan, and you have to admit it’s unusual to see a man your age sitting up there all by yourself. And, you can’t get down without that ladder, Alan. The tree has too much girth for you to be able to shimmy down it. I’ll go to the door and talk to Ellen.”

“I prefer you not do that, Alan. Now you just go on about your business. It looks like you have golf gear on, so go play your round of golf, and don’t fret for a minute about me.”

“Well, I just can’t do that, Albert. I would worry about you all day. Are you…I mean, is your…that is, are you thinking straight, Abert?”

“Oh, I see what you might be thinking, Alan. No, my brain power is still there, I don’t have that ‘Alzheimers-stuff’, but I tell you one thing, it’s sure good to see that people can still try to do the right things for others… Now, listen up, I like my women ‘fat’ and tough as nails. Well, I got one of those in that shingled house over there, and she is one big ‘Wo-man’. If you go to that door, ring the buzzer, she’ll come to the door ‘a-hooten and a-holleren’, and she could be carrying, if you know what I mean… Like, right now, that friend in the car is tooten that horn too much, and that could get her angry…”

“Oh, don’t worry about us, Albert. My worry is about you, I’ve got to get you out of that Sugar Maple before you fall and hurt yourself. I’ll take my chances with Ellen.”

“Well, son, you go ahead and do what you’re thinking and I’m trying my best to tell you truthfully what’s going to happen, and the aftermath of your action.”

“Alan, in these few seconds here with you, I feel really close to you, which makes it all the tougher to leave you sitting up there in that darn tree. I’m off to see Ellen.”

“Well, you have a good heart, son, but I’m telling you – there just ain’t enough room up here for both of us.”

(Tick-Tock)

“Well, she ran that friend of yours off pretty fast, Alan. You can’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“Will she be serving us cocktails and dinner up here, Albert?”

A Light Flash Fiction Moment from: Billy Ray Chitwood – October, 2018

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