RRBC Spotlight Author: Michael Lynes

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Spotlight Author: Michael Lynes

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So…I hate computers and computers hate me.

I suppose it’s only fair. After all, I have misspent the last three decades of my youth assembling, tinkering, compiling and probing their convoluted silicon innards, and what creation does not harbor hatred for its creator?

My reciprocal loathing is similarly well founded, as the tangible rewards of a career in embedded software engineering are few and fleeting. For instance I’ve long ago given up any hope of explaining what it is that I do to any other normal human being on the planet. Save for the one-tenth of one percent who are either fellow engineers or children, and believe me most days it’s hard to tell them apart, no one has the slightest clue.

I’ll give you an example. When asked, for instance at a casual barbeque party, my best off-the-cuff answer is, “I type for a living.” This earns me a sharp elbow in the ribs if my wife is at hand. I have also responded, “I poke turtles with sticks until they turn into racecars.” said with complete sincerity and a deadpan expression. That gets me an elbow and a dirty look.

Now, if my interrogator just happens to be an engineer, one who has presented me the correct counter-sign identifying themselves as a fellow mage, I can wax poetic about memory leaks and clock duty cycles, pesky stack overflows and the joys of eliminating a sneaky uninitialized variable. But…I digress.

We were talking about hate, and I want to stay on point.

Computers hate me and the feeling is mutual. They are malodorous, vindictive, ungrateful little bastards, who will monopolize your time, waste all your money and leave you nothing to show for it except a sink full of dirty dishes, an empty snack cupboard and piles of smelly laundry.

Hold on a second. That would be teenagers. But, you get my point.

Computers are spoiled and willful. They are also devious and occasionally indispensable, but for the most part hardly worth their keep. The shades of both Babbage and Turing may oscillate wildly about their respective rest states, but I will stand firm by my conviction. In short – computers just suck – full stop.

“But,” you protest, “Computers are our helpers! Indispensable guides, sources of endless amusement and founts of precious wisdom! How did we live before we had them?

“They are our lifeline, pictures, voices and personas. Without computers, we would be lost, less than human!”

“Baloney!”, or some such, I reply with desperate conviction. “Computers are nothing but parasites on the body politic! They go on and on about how they need a bigger hard-drive or bazillion pixel display screen or the latest Windows Eleventy-seven operating system!”

Wild-eyed and spittle flecked I conclude. “Join me! It is not too late! Together, we can expunge this curse from our society!”

My strident call to arms fades to a whisper. It falls unheard, upon bud-plugged ears and mega-pixel-glazed eyes. It is too late.

We have met the enemy, and Pogo my friend you were right. They are us.

*

Just so this post will not be a complete waste of time – below are some time-honored computer care and feeding tips that you are free to use without attribution…your results may vary. Have fun stormin’ da castle…!

COMPUTER TIPS: (for experienced users and/or dummies)

  • Never address computers politely. (They love abuse)
  • Never feed them after midnight. (No one likes FAT16, FAT32 or any sort of FAT)
  • Always rub your lucky mouse pad when you really, really need your install, upgrade or Microsoft update not to fail. Rub harder when this does not help.
  • To encourage good behavior from your computer, lay a loaded carafe of salt water, a ball-peen hammer and a wickedly sharp pair of wire-cutters down in view of it’s built-in-camera prior to starting any important project with a deadline. After all, everybody should have some skin in the game.

When any, or all, of the above paths to enlightenment fail, my advice is find a kid, basically anyone over the age of eight, and throw yourself on their tender mercies. You will learn humility and gain great wisdom, and, your computer will respect you in the morning – I promise.

And, Here is the Really Good Stuff:

♥THIS BLOG AUTHOR’S NOTE: (Mr. Lynes would not say this, but I do) – Really,  how could someone not like this guy? He’s a great author (5-Star Reviews up the ‘Kazoo’) and he’s got a great sense of humor – I’m just saying! Look below at his bio… I’m one of those computer ‘dummies’ to whom he jokingly refers – I’m in ‘Twilight’ now and my laptop drives me crazy (that’s every single day!)… I love this guy. ♥ 

Author Bio:

Mr Lynes is a serial entrepreneur who enjoys dry red wine and single malt scotch. When not occupied with arcane engineering projects he spends his time playing with his two grandchildren, baking bread, feeding seasoned hardwood into his ancient Timberline woodstove, working on his various cars, bird watching and taking amateur photographs. His current menagerie includes one short-haired turtle shell cat and a pair of actual turtles.

His last book, There Is A Reaper: Losing a Child to Cancer, was an Indie B.R.A.G. Gold Medallion Honoree in January 2017, a silver-medal winner of the 2016 Readers’ Favorite International Book Awards for Memoir, a medalist in the 2015 New Apple Book Awards for Memoir, a winner of the 2015 TISBA (The Indie Spiritual Bookk Awards), and a finalist in both the Independent Author Network 2015 Book of the Year award and the Beverly Hills Book Awards for 2015.

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THERE IS A REAPER – https://www.amazon.com/There-Reaper-Losing-Child-Cancer-ebook/dp/B00XNZW6C4

Mr Lynes was awarded a BSEE degree in Electrical Engineering from Stevens Institute of Technology and currently works as an embedded software engineer. He has a consuming interest in the science of emotion as promulgated by Dr. Paul Ekman and has made a comprehensive study of his Face and Emotion courses.

Mr Lynes has four sons, has been married for over thirty years and currently lives with his wife and youngest son in the beautiful secluded hills of Sussex County, NJ.

 

*  *  *

Michael’s Books

THE FAT MAN GETS OUT OF BED:  https://www.amazon.com/Fat-Man-Gets-Out-Bed/dp/1938812905

Book Cover

AND:

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THERE IS A REAPER – https://www.amazon.com/There-Reaper-Losing-Child-Cancer-ebook/dp/B00XNZW6C4

Follow Michael Lynes online:

Twitter – https://twitter.com/woodheat

Facebook – https://www.facebook.com/MLynesAuthor/

Website – https://mikelynes.wixsite.com/mlynesauthor

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

34 thoughts on “RRBC Spotlight Author: Michael Lynes

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  1. I thoroughly enjoyed this:) Having a computer engineer as a daughter I have been forced to learn “some” things about a computer, but issues sit and wait for her attention when she comes to visit. Great post and I will keep all those computer tips in mind!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Thank you so very much Billy! I would be happy to give you some computer tips if I can be of any help at all. Thanks also for your high praise following the post – right back at you my friend! Best regards to all – MikeL

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Mike, for the comment – may take you up on those computer tips! Lost too darn many brain cells over the years! LOL But, then, I live in ‘Twilight’! – OH, GOOD! My lovely wife, Julie Anne, just brought me a ‘mild’ Makers Mark highball! Bye, bye to more brain cells! Seriously, it is so good to be part of the group, Mike, AND, I know a good man when I see and read one! My best wishes… Billy Ray ♥

      Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks, Teagan…he described me perfectly – I couldn’t guess at how many times I scream at my laptop each day…I’m typing along, and. all of a sudden, I’m three paragrapPhs back. Well, that, and hitting the wrong keys! Add to all that, the ‘old dog/new tricks’ bromide, and an old guy living in ‘Twilight’ doesn’t have a chance! My best wishes to you on our Veterans Day! ♥

      Liked by 3 people

  3. Oh, boy! I hear you Michael! 😀 I know less about the innards of a computer/ tablet/laptop/smart phone than I do about the ‘dark’ side of the moon, but I somehow managed to acquire some expertise with graphic art apps – everything else is terra incognita and I have no wish to go near here or thereabouts (well, maybe selctive social media and LOL cats…)! 😉
    Thanks for being a great host today, Billy Ray 😀

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Jan – well I can’t say I don’t know what demons lurk within – i’ve spent too many years firgting with them for that! Let’s just say that, on occasion, a few wooden stakes, a clove of garlic and a splash of holy water have been employed in order to regain a measure of control over the beasties… :-O

      (JK) – MikeL

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Thank goodness I am not alone!! I have been a victim of computer abuse for 20 years. There should be support groups for those like me. My blog decided, for no reason to white out the text to my posts and wordpress loves to post my article perfectly then hide it in the bowels of its post never to be seen again. It’s enough to make a grown woman cry-and has!! Loved your post, Mike–I don’t feel so lonely anymore.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Micki! Yah if you ask me, computers are a combination godsend and curse. They have provided me with a living for the last thirty-odd years, but boy can they be frustrating! Thanks again and best regards – MikeL

      Liked by 1 person

  5. What a fun read, Michael! I so agree with your concluding line of advice, “When any, or all, of the above paths to enlightenment fail, my advice is find a kid … and throw yourself on their tender mercies.” This is another reason to live close to grandkids! Thank you, Billy Ray, for hosting.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Gwen – yah the younger folks are very plugged in to technology – after all that is the world they grew up in! I like to amaze them once in a while talking about phones with cords and tv’s with knobs… 🙂

      Best to all – MikeL

      Like

    1. Hi Laura! Yah computers and teenagers have a lot in common – both sources of strange noises, anxiety and unexplained drains on your bank accounts… Best regards – MikeL

      Like

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